Mood: Tired, dirty, and still sick
Music: Lindsay is humming the Indigo Girls
Just back from State
I really can't believe it's over. I've been studying for Latin and Latin State for four years, and this is just such a ani climax. I joined the Senior Classical League, and I'm going to apply to be the SCL Editor, but I won't ever compete again, which feels so strange. Just thinking about it today brought tears to my eyes. When I started high school, I remember my first Latin class. I have such a sweet teacher, whom I love dearly, and she always starts the Latin I students off telling them about Latin in English and telling them how glad she is to have them, and I remember being so nervous, I think I wrote down everything she said. And my first state, I thought I would do awful, and I was so sick, and we surprsied everyone by doing well in certamen, and I placed in both my catagories, better than people expected because I got so nervous when they asked me questions, because I didn't want to look dumb. And I didn't know then how much being in Latin, and being a JCLer would mean to me.
I'm crying right now, just writing. I can't even help it, I am just so changed by my experience with my friends, teacher, knowledge, and conventions that I know I wouldn't have been the same person without them. More than anything else that has heppened this year, this has made me realize how much I am leaving behind me next year. On the bus ride home from Orlando I realized I have to give all of the books, tests, and general stuff I've borrowed from our Latin Club over the years. I don't want to. I want to keep them, and I feel like I just can't let go of this. It seems cheesy, but I've loved every single minute of being a JCLer, from Holly and Ali tormenting me as a freshmen to the evil long awards ceremony I attended yesterday. Some things I will treasure forever, and taking Latin, and the friends I have made, especially Ali and Hornick are definitely in that category. Okay, now that I had a bit of a cry, I'll tell more.
Academically, this is the best I personally have ever done. I won second place in Advanced Customs (with an amzing 40 on my test) and third in Advanced History of the Roman Monarchy and Republic (with an even more amazing 38). When they were calling out awards, the higher they got, the more sure I was I hadn't won anything. It's so nerve-wracking sitting there thinking you've let your school, teacher, and mentors down. I'm so glad I did well. And my certamen team placed 5th, which is better than we've done in a while, mostly due to Matt, but I played very well, much better than I have been, too.
Now, some thoughts about my trip. One thing that really struck me during this trip is how isolated, or maybe insulated is a better word, I feel. Sometimes I just don't feel in touch with the stuff going on around me, like I can't reach quite the same level that everyone else is on. I don't feel left out per se, but kind of lonely and frustrated that I can't seem to quite get where I want to be. I don't know if that makes sense, but every once in a while I'm just sort of struck, because even though I'm there with people I consider my friends, I'm not close enough to many of them to really feel stuff, like I said, I feel insulated against them. Like everyone else is in technicolor and I'm still in black and white. Sometimes I jokingly say that I don't have any friends, and although there are a very small handful of people I consider my friends, for the most part I'm not joking. And in group gatherings when it seems like everyone else is content to hang out and just be friends, that's when I feel like I'm really not friends with a lot of people I say are my friends, and who probably think of me as their friends. Maybe I'm just overanalytical, or perhaps simply too reserved about who I really am to get that close to people. Upon occasion I just really feel like I'm not making good connections and relationships with other people, and it kind of worries me, because it makes me doubt my ability to function well in relationships with others. This is a problem I've been struggling with for a while, but there were times this weekend when I really felt it.
Anyways, I have a Calclus test tommorow, and I really need some sleep, so I hope everyone else had a good weekend.
-Morgan
